2003 Winter

2003.7 ~ 2004.2



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Life in Scotland


 Chapter 1   Intro

  I came Scotland a month ago, it's the first time I went abroad. Every thing here is totally new. I live in Fife Park, which is a un-catered student resident, but I never cooked before in China, and I never knew a friend here. I knew there would be lot of difficulties, yet I'm not scared.


  I arrived here in midnight, 1pm by London time. I didn't have a jet-lag, but I felt very tired. We flew 20 hours after all! But memory is very sweet. The gentleman who picks up us at the Edinburgh airport was very affable. I can't believe the environment is so beautiful! When I arrived Fife Park, yes, where I live -- it's all covered green! Lovely trees stand friendly as fair spirits. The air is so fresh! I can't help exciting! The gentle old man rang the bell for me, two of my roommates came out. There is a black man whose name is James, and seems to be very sociable and kind. He helped me to carry up my big heavy trunk. Then I saw my small but warm and cosy bedroom. I lay right down into the bed until the next morning, when the songs of birds break the dawn...


n       to be continued


Chapter 2   The first day

I walked across the grass to the road, found out all the car drive left-handed, aware that may be I should going to be familiar to walk by left here too :P

As you see, she is a pretty young girl who taught us temporarily in the summer and go to Spain to live with her boy friend afterward.

I had classes with several foreign students by chance, one Frenchman, one Hungarian, two Polish, two Japanese, and two Chinese. The most interesting one to me is the Frenchman. I have studied French in China for two years, but I forgot all French after the final examination. This guy has really given me some French lessons back, sadly his English is very poor too, soÖ you can imaging. J

I found ELT, the stuff or I may say teachers are really welcome. They quickly lead us into classroom, to where I have my first lesson. Itís was given by a lovely young teacher who name is laura.

I can see the beach with white wave far away from the front door of ELT. Itís quite beautiful even been seen in distance. I must go there one day.

I went a restaurant called ďThe Toyís HouseĒ for my lunch, I saw a lot of local people there, most of whom women are very ďbig sizedĒ J. I could hardly understand the waitress so I just get the mean and pointed the dish out. Courses came, topical west food with chips, not too bad. I found the food is ten times expensive as common town in China. I was considering cooking by myself now.

The lunch time is very short. Itís seems that British people donít take it as the most important meal in a day as I always did in China. So I finished it quickly, and then back to classroom.

n       to be continued


Chapter 3   Chinese Big Brother

There is a Chinese in our flat, who doing his PHD in Business, and have just finished his final essay. He came up and found me, tell me a lot of things I should or want to know here, which was really useful. He went back to China two weeks later. Here I give him my most honest thanks to him. His name is Lee.

He took me to Dundee in the weekend, where is a very important place for Chinese who live in St Andrews, since there is a big Chinese Super-Market and other big shopping places Andrews donít have. The Chinese Super-Market whose name is ď万富行ĒWan Fu Hang, means a rich place in Englishis really super good, you can almost buy every Chinese thing you need.  Another important thing is telephone, we can only found the Phone Shop in Dundee. I bought a O-two SIM-card there. Still remember the first day when I insert dozen pounds to the public telephone box, when the number of showing cost flying crazily. Itís a pay&go, I need pay for monthly free, and the phone cost is still very low, 2p/m in the weekends, plus with international phone card, itís only cost about 4.6p/m to call back to China. Itís great! Isnít it?

 I also bought my Digital Camera there, cost 325 in all, .:-0 really expensive. How ever itís really important to me, cause I canít paint here, it cost a lot of times, but this tiny toy can help me remember all thing every time. Itís can also record voice, short films, while great photographing effect. I can also sent them immediately to my parents or friends through internet.

   I did got some really good pictures even after the next day. There was a big rainbow hang on the clear after the short rain in the afternoon. I just .. love it!


n       to be continued


Chapter 4   A blue day

  Happy days are always, but grey days come up some times unexpected. This is a diary written in a cold morning on a blue day:

______________________________________________________________________________________16th Aug, 2003

  I am having a blue day, and I have had a blue week. The sun shining outside, grass and trees green still as if it's spring, but my heart is so quiet and empty. I stayed in bedroom all day, didn't have good meals, the food in the refrigerator is almost out of store, I must go to Dundee.. May be ...tomorrow. Expected loneliness comes for the first time.
  It's not because something bad had happen, but a regular feeling come once per season or two. Memories came through my mind, everything in the past is covered with blue. I tried to catch the hand of my memory bird, but it neglect, and fly through out the sky, leaving only shadows on the cloud...

  Morning wind blow through the window, another nice day. Facility came back in front of me, and I'm going to live my life. How can I make it shine with dreamful colours everyday? Or just like the weather change four seasons in a day.

  I went to the beach again this afternoon. The sun is pale, few cloud flew on the sky. I didn't expect there were so many people, maybe it is because of the weekend. I saw people enjoyed themselves very much, this game a little relief to my heart.
  I found a quiet place, sit down opposite the sea. The sound of waves consoled my heart as an old friend. George Winston's piano come to my ears as an illusion in my mind. I want to draw, but I can't catch the feeling. Why should I often feel incapacity?
  I want to be more intelligent, I want to be more knowledgeable, I want to be more powerful... but how?
  Time past, all things became more and more familiar to me. It's great, that I can manage life better and then put hands to study; it's miserable, as the beginning feeling of freshness came to fade. There are a lot of new friends here. Our friend-ship grew, but my knowledge didn't keep step with it. We are closer, but I don't know how to express my deeper feeling and I don't know how to communicate with them better! Should I read more books? Or this is only an inner character that can not be changed by knowledge? I felt a little lost.
  Maybe I need something to do ... Oh, yes, there are a lot of things to do -- the project, the new books, the kitchen ... ...


  I donít know when this kind of emotion start, that I often drop into a extraordinary world of myself. Probably, since the day I study painting, or maybe that lighting night on the top of a studying building in my undergraduate college. What ever, I donít hate it, I never fear of it, I love it.. but I donít know how to join the real world activities, which sometimes is only a waste of time in fact. However, I really want to join it some time, even itís mean less.. why?

Chapter 5   The Ceilidh

  The Ceilidh is a Traditional Dance Party, where man wear kilt, and dance traditional dances. Itís very lively, all people themselves very much. One of the dance is, men and women stand in line face to face, and each couple dance from the beginning to the end. Every head would be full of sweat after one round. Some woman do faint when they circle all way around. J

  We found a huge funny hair dress on the seat, some one put it onto lauraís head! The effect was incredible! We all became crazy for that, and rush toward to take photos with this great lady! J

The Ceilidh went on and on that day, about to midnight. A lot of native student drunk, but the Student Union was still in hot. We finished the happy night by singing an old lovely song, hands in hands, stand in a big circle.

There was a thick fog when I got out the Student Union that night. The street was so lovely under the lamp. This kind of atmosphere could always reminds me my sweet days in junior middle school, when I fall into love with a girl for the first time of my life in such a nightÖ

  A lot of things happened in the short several years. I would never expect I could be here this time before. How can life be so changeable? I live in totally different circumstances by totally different characters! ... Ö And where could I be several years later from now? What should I be then?...



Chapter 5   The Sea

  The classes finished earlier today, I didnít feel as tired as first several days, the sky was clear and bright, so I went to the beach.

  Itís a little windy, I put my bag into my bedroom, find a quiet path to the direction of the sea. I passed by two lovely Chinese girls, they said itís very cold today by the beach. 

Yes, itís really a little cold by the beach, especially when you stay longer. Howbeit, I felt so excited! I felt like the first time a saw a real SEA! It made me calm, quiet, clear, and joyful! All my worry, my pain, anxious released immediately.

The wave touched the sand softly, with gentle sound that repeated ten thousands years ago. I realized how small I am when I saw how long the sea line was, how wide the beach was, how expanse the world is when I turn back, and I saw how far and near the clouds are!...I loved here. I felt I deeply love the sea by seconds.

The sky was so clear here. I felt I have dreaming here long long ago. People enjoyed themselves, joyful everywhere. I keep photographing, while a man pass and said:Ē Woo!... You love the sea, you photographed, donít you want a try in it?Ē I smiled.

Every one loved the sea in different ways, I know I shall drew it out.

Though, still remembered the first time I saw a true ocean in China Shenzhen provinceÖ with her. Itís not a long time ago, that I went the beach with her before I went abroad. Didnít hope I leave her forever. I shall never leave such a kind girl. She is not so beautiful as dreamed, she is not so charming as be expected, but she is so virtuous as what I had expected. I loved her gradually when we were together. I loved intensively when I touched her lips. I loved painfully when we departed each time. She is a girl who happy all day laugh all day before I told her my love. I felt guilty by making her sad. I thought I have passed my sadness to her, cause I felt all my sadness gone when I saw her, and I would make her more sad while I canít company her most of the times. Though, I didnít want her to be sad, I want her to be happy, I want her to be happier before she met me. I want give her happy, I want make her happy, but I seemed to be doing the opposite way all the timeÖ may be, or should I release her?.. I canít hold her so much as Iím not sure if I could live with her finally, but she is already 24 years old which a age canít wait, canít be delayedÖ probably, Iím really too young. I couldnít give her a promise of marriage when I was 20 years old, when I was not sure what I would be in the futureÖ Ö what should I do?... I felt so painful. What ever I would be, what ever we would be like, I only wish you to me happy. God, please bless herÖ I liefly give you all I can give her. +

The wind kept blowing on my head, I felt colder when kept thinking of here. One gentle emotional song flew by my earÖ


滨崎 ayumi

     Love ~Destiny~


ねえ ほんとは 永なんてないこと

私はいつから 付いていたんだろう

ねえ それでも ふたりでごした日々は

ウソじゃなかったこと よりれる


生きてきた 時間さは少しだけうけれども


ただ出会えたことに ただしたことに

想い合えなくても La La La La... 忘れない


ねえ どうして こんなにも苦しいのに

あなたじゃなきゃだめで そばにいたいんだろう

ねえ それでも ほんのささやかな事を

幸せに思える 自分になれた


ありふれた言でも ふたりで交すなら意味を持つから


ただ出会えたことで ただしたことで

想い合えたことで これからも...


現実の全てから目を反らさずに 生きて行くにすればいい


ただ出会えたことを ただしたことを

2度と会えなくても La La La La... 忘れない



 Love ~Destiny~ 


哎 其实世界上哪有什么永远

曾经何时  我终于开始了解

但 虽说如此  你我共度的时光

却绝非空一场  对此我深深引以为豪


我俩走过的人生岁月  纵使有长有短

只要曾经相识  只要曾经相爱过

哪怕无法两情相守  La La La La... 仍难忘怀


  何以  即便是如此痛苦

却依然不能没有你  渴望在你身旁

  虽说如此   我也开始能够

在一些微不足道的小事中  找到幸福



只要是你我之间的对话  它就有它的意义

只要曾经相识  只要曾经爱过

两情相守  从现在到以后。。。





只要曾经相识  只要曾经爱过

哪怕无法再次聚首  La La La La...  仍难忘却


 Chapter 11   Chaos


   I finished our last lesson of this semester last afternoon at 3 oíclock; I went to the Young Hall to practise the Piano. Unfortunately, the practise room which I have booked that day have no Piano in fact!! I check other practise room around, but all of which was occupied. I was squeezed out of the building to the shore besides.  To my surprise, the sea was so beautiful in the dusk!!!... I was solely  attracted by  the first sight of the expanse offing in baby blue. The world seemed stopped by the perfect beauty. I was calmed down immediately from the whole day's fickleness and idiocy. Walking along the coast, purple cloud gently covered the other side of the sky; air was going to be pervaded with the smell of gloam. I reached the end of the Harbour. Facing with the enormous water and endless horizon, I felt myself so small.. I disappeared. I felt myself totally thawed in the air. Approximate plenilune shining behind the flimsy cloud, made it so tender...The whole world syncretized.

   It's Purple, which cover around the sand now. I come to remembrance the favorite colour of my last girl friend in China who have just abandoned me a whole month ago. I had a strong feeling of want to be with her here under the peerless beauty for ever and  ever... Yes. I still love her.. I love her so much Why should she gave me up? For the 4 years' age difference? For the hard family acceptance? For the hopelessness of future together?... while I have not given up yet!!! ..How self-less I was! How many endeavor I have put into!..  How much we had love each other!  ... ...How could she forgotten all of these!? .. I felt colder when I realized some wishes could not came true for ever.  


   "Yes. There is a party tonight", I telephoned the Tadzhikistan guy, told him the meeting 9 o'clock that night. He invited me to have dinner together, which came out to be I cook for him. The several girls. Chinese girls are really rubbish, they made me disappointed again. It's them who asked me to introduce some foreign friends to them, for they had too much conversations with Chinese classmates, and worrying about the coming speaking tests. However, all of them refused to come, after knowing  that there was only talk, drink or mad dancing, which considered meaningless by them. I lost faith with Chinese girls forever. The some America girls, they promised to come delightfully.

    I came back to the Young Hall again. Still got one hour's practise. I did love the Piano now, it made me feel more confident. Then I went to Ilhom's. He took me to the Tesco! OK. I thought Coke-cola  might be the best dish for the night, cause he have no special Chinese cooking materials at all, and this dish just need ginger, chicken, and coke. Unluckily, I poured too much salt, and the course made out with a smell of charred. I am afraid Ilhom be more laborious next time, after the experience of keep waiting two hours in front of the boiler but outcome a nauseated dish.

    The we were later for the meeting, no body there when we came. We went to the Gin House, then another pub, no familiar face in our glance. Then  we go the party hold near Ilhom's flat held by one of his classmates. It's really crowded that house, I knew some new girls and found some kisses. Then Ilhom met two special old friend, one might be Russian, another French. Joined with a roommate, we went to the Student Union together again at 1am, where there are crowded too. We found another four funny guys, one American, one Russian guy, one sexy Russian girl and another attractive from a lovely small country in the east of Europe beside Russian. All of us went back to  Ilhom's dining room together, kept chatting until 4am. The last four guys went back, which made Ilhom's fancy dream with the mature Russian girl gone by the board. Others remain, the Russian Guitar Genius played good songs, we bore the sleeplessness until 9 o'clock in the morning.

    I walked back, slept, waked, gave a phone call to my parents, found my international telephone card had expired while about 10 pounds inside.. I really felt very hungry then, and went downstairs, and then, my old Russian room mate came to check if I had been dead, while missing the meeting in the Union last night and absent in the Judo class this afternoon!..


Chapter 12   Winter Holiday

        I didn't spend my this Xmas in Scotland, I went to Sunderland, where there are my two old Chinese University Classmates, and one of them's Birthday is just the same day!!~~ We had a nice time. However, the original destination for Christmas is Vienna in Austria, unfortunately my VISA was refused because of their full of quota. Another very very awful day is the New Year's Day in St Andrews. I went to Edinburgh to join the biggest national street party, but the gale broke my umbrella, and the pour canceled the whole party. Lucky is I 'felt' this beforehand and came back before midnight, not to lay on the icy street in Edinburgh. Some friends had phoned me before I went, so I decided to join them.
     Whereas, their stereo is so good, and the soundproof of their wall is so good as well!!!~~~so yes they didn't hear of me at all. Then I stupidly went to another several places to find them, but ~~ you know. At last, I had no choice but went back, but just at the last street corner to my flat, a big coach passed by me, and splashed the biggest spray I ever see (Taller than me!!), and made me totally wet!!!~~~Thus finally I ended up in my bedroom, lonely wrapped in my turkish towel in the last minute, watching the Television. Every body is celebrating their new year together cheerfully kissing.. except my in a isolated cold corner...

    New year, new life, there must be something happen not to waste the precious 'Winter' holidays. Therefore, on the 5th Jan, I went to Switzerland to pursue  the SNOW~~. It is great!~~ It is fabulous!~
~ It is fantastic!~~~Here is my calendar: First day, nice window view by the train. Found a small cheap but very good youth hostel in Interlaken. Then had a nice walk around, met the Korean friends and enjoyed drinking and talking for the whole night. Second day, Jungfraujoch!~~ Sledding on the night. Missed the last train from Grindelwald to Interlaken, spent a big amount of money in a four star hotel. Third day, Ski training for a whole morning, and had a horrific experiences of first free Ski from a cliff brea in the afternoon, in despite of many children passing me by. Then take the train and met Desmond Frick again in Zurich. Had a very nice night with the new special friend in his flat (If only he was a girl...). I had a deep impression of his art works and his type of living. OK. Came back at last!~~ Hehe..got off the plane, took the train from London, arrived St Andrews, and then sleep.~~ When I got up in the next morning... it's raining slightly outside, temperature is warm here, I dressed thinner clothes, went outside and had a leisure walk. There was a strong atmosphere of life in the air.  Youth, Impulsion, Hope, Enthusiasm flowed every where. I felt renascence! Former vigour surge in my vein... I was ready to put hands into real, hard work..
    I did work very hard now. Hard studying, hard doings, serious preparation.. but still happy life.


                                                        ... to be continued  or  probably  n o  t


Index | 2007-08 Eva's Graduation | 2006-07 Edinburgh | 2006 MSc GC | 2005-06 London | 2005 Autumn | 2005 Summer | 2005 Spring | 2004 Winter | 2004 Autumn | 2004 University | 2004 Summer | 2004 Spring | 2003 Winter

Last Updated 02/08/2004