Chapter 4 A blue day
are always, but grey days come up some times unexpected. This is
a diary written in a cold morning on a blue day:
having a blue day, and I have had a blue week. The sun shining
outside, grass and trees green still as if it's spring, but my
heart is so quiet and empty. I stayed in bedroom all day, didn't
have good meals, the food in the refrigerator is almost out of
store, I must go to Dundee.. May be ...tomorrow. Expected
loneliness comes for the first time.
It's not because
something bad had happen, but a regular feeling come once per
season or two. Memories came through my mind, everything in the
past is covered with blue. I tried to catch the hand of my
memory bird, but it neglect, and fly through out the sky,
leaving only shadows on the cloud...
blow through the window, another nice day. Facility came back in
front of me, and I'm going to live my life. How can I make it
shine with dreamful colours everyday? Or just like the weather
change four seasons in a day.
I went to the beach
again this afternoon. The sun is pale, few cloud flew on the
sky. I didn't expect there were so many people, maybe it is
because of the weekend. I saw people enjoyed themselves very
much, this game a little relief to my heart.
a quiet place, sit down opposite the sea. The sound of waves
consoled my heart as an old friend. George Winston's piano come
to my ears as an illusion in my mind. I want to draw, but I
can't catch the feeling. Why should I often feel incapacity?
I want to be more intelligent, I want to be more knowledgeable,
I want to be more powerful... but how?
Time past, all
things became more and more familiar to me. It's great, that I
can manage life better and then put hands to study; it's
miserable, as the beginning feeling of freshness came to fade.
There are a lot of new friends here. Our friend-ship grew, but
my knowledge didn't keep step with it. We are closer, but I
don't know how to express my deeper feeling and I don't know how
to communicate with them better! Should I read more books? Or
this is only an inner character that can not be changed by
knowledge? I felt a little lost.
Maybe I need
something to do ... Oh, yes, there are a lot of things to do --
the project, the new books, the kitchen ... ...
I donít know when this kind of emotion start, that I often drop
into a extraordinary world of myself. Probably, since the day I
study painting, or maybe that lighting night on the top of a
studying building in my undergraduate college. What ever, I
donít hate it, I never fear of it, I love it.. but I donít know
how to join the real world activities, which sometimes is only a
waste of time in fact. However, I really want to join it some
time, even itís mean less.. why?
Chapter 5 The Ceilidh
The Ceilidh is a Traditional Dance Party, where man wear kilt,
and dance traditional
all people themselves very much.
One of the dance is, men
line face to face, and each couple
dance from the beginning to
the end. Every head would be full of sweat after one round. Some
woman do faint when they circle all way around.
We found a huge funny hair dress on the seat, some one put it
onto lauraís head! The effect was incredible! We all became
crazy for that, and rush toward to take photos with this great
The Ceilidh went on and on that day, about to midnight. A lot of
native student drunk, but the Student Union was still in hot. We
finished the happy night by singing an old lovely song, hands in
hands, stand in a big circle.
was a thick fog when I got out the Student Union that night. The
street was so lovely under the lamp. This kind of atmosphere
could always reminds me my sweet days in junior middle school,
when I fall into love with a girl for the first time of my life
in such a nightÖ
A lot of things happened in the short several years. I would
never expect I could be here this time before. How can life be
so changeable? I live in totally different circumstances by
totally different characters! ... Ö And where could I be several
years later from now? What should I be then?...
Chapter 5 The Sea
The classes finished earlier today, I didnít feel as tired as
first several days, the sky was clear and bright, so I went to
Itís a little windy,
I put my bag into
my bedroom, find a quiet path to the direction of the sea. I
passed by two lovely
Chinese girls, they said itís very
cold today by the beach.
Yes, itís really a little cold by the beach, especially when you
stay longer. Howbeit, I felt so excited! I felt like the first
time a saw a real SEA! It made me calm, quiet, clear, and joyful!
All my worry, my pain, anxious released immediately.
The wave touched the sand softly, with gentle sound that
repeated ten thousands years ago. I realized how small I am when
I saw how long the sea line was, how wide the beach was, how
expanse the world is when I turn back, and I saw how far and
near the clouds are!...I loved here. I felt I deeply love the
sea by seconds.
The sky was so clear here. I felt I have dreaming here long long
ago. People enjoyed themselves, joyful everywhere. I keep
photographing, while a man pass and said:Ē Woo!... You love the
sea, you photographed, donít you want a try in it?Ē I smiled.
Every one loved the sea in different ways, I know I shall drew
Though, still remembered the first time I saw a true ocean in
China Shenzhen provinceÖ with her. Itís not a long time ago,
that I went the beach with her before I went abroad. Didnít hope
I leave her forever. I shall never leave such a kind girl. She
is not so beautiful as dreamed, she is not so charming as be
expected, but she is so virtuous as what I had expected. I loved
her gradually when we were together. I loved intensively when I
touched her lips. I loved painfully when we departed each time.
She is a girl who happy all day laugh all day before I told her
my love. I felt guilty by making her sad. I thought I have
passed my sadness to her, cause I felt all my sadness gone when
I saw her, and I would make her more sad while I canít company
her most of the times. Though, I didnít want her to be sad, I
want her to be happy, I want her to be happier before she met
me. I want give her happy, I want make her happy, but I seemed
to be doing the opposite way all the timeÖ may be, or should I
release her?.. I canít hold her so much as Iím not sure if I
could live with her finally, but she is already 24 years old
which a age canít wait, canít be delayedÖ probably, Iím really
too young. I couldnít give her a promise of marriage when I was
20 years old, when I was not sure what I would be in the futureÖ
Ö what should I do?... I felt so painful. What ever I would be,
what ever we would be like, I only wish you to me happy. God,
please bless herÖ I liefly give you all I can give her. +
The wind kept blowing on my head, I felt colder when kept
thinking of here. One gentle emotional song flew by my earÖ
ねえ ほんとは 永遠なんてないこと
ねえ それでも ふたりで過ごした日々は
想い合えなくても La La La La... 忘れない
ねえ どうして こんなにも苦しいのに
ねえ それでも ほんのささやかな事を
２度と会えなくても La La La La... 忘れない
La La La La...
La La La La...
I finished our last lesson of this semester last afternoon at 3
oíclock; I went to the Young Hall to practise the Piano.
Unfortunately, the practise room which I have booked that day
have no Piano in fact!! I check other practise room around, but
all of which was occupied. I was squeezed out of the building to
the shore besides.
To my surprise, the sea was so beautiful in the dusk!!!... I
was solely attracted by the first sight of the expanse offing
in baby blue. The world seemed stopped by the perfect beauty. I
was calmed down immediately from the whole day's fickleness and
idiocy. Walking along the coast, purple cloud gently covered the
other side of the sky; air was going to be pervaded with the
smell of gloam. I reached the end of the Harbour. Facing with
the enormous water and endless horizon, I felt myself so small..
I disappeared. I felt myself totally thawed in the air.
Approximate plenilune shining behind the flimsy cloud, made it
so tender...The whole world syncretized.
It's Purple, which cover around the sand now. I come to
remembrance the favorite colour of my last girl friend in China
who have just abandoned me a whole month ago. I had a strong
feeling of want to be with her here under the peerless beauty
for ever and ever... Yes. I still love her.. I love her so
should she gave me up? For the 4 years' age difference? For the
hard family acceptance? For the hopelessness of future
together?... while I have not given up yet!!! ..How self-less I
was! How many endeavor I have put into!.. How much we had love
each other! ... ...How could she forgotten all of these!?
.. I felt colder when I realized some wishes could not came true
"Yes. There is a party tonight", I telephoned the Tadzhikistan
guy, told him the meeting 9 o'clock that night. He invited me to
have dinner together, which came out to be I cook for him. The
several girls. Chinese girls are really rubbish, they made me
disappointed again. It's them who asked me to introduce some
foreign friends to them, for they had too much conversations
with Chinese classmates, and worrying about the coming speaking
tests. However, all of them refused to come, after knowing that
there was only talk, drink or mad dancing, which considered
meaningless by them. I lost faith with Chinese girls forever.
The some America girls, they promised to come delightfully.
I came back to the Young Hall again. Still got one hour's
practise. I did love the Piano now, it made me feel more
confident. Then I went to Ilhom's. He took me to the Tesco! OK.
I thought Coke-cola might be the best dish for the night, cause
he have no special Chinese cooking materials at all, and this
dish just need ginger, chicken, and coke. Unluckily, I poured
too much salt, and the course made out with a smell of charred.
I am afraid Ilhom be more laborious next time, after the
experience of keep waiting two hours in front of the boiler
but outcome a nauseated dish.
The we were later for the meeting, no body there when we came.
We went to the Gin House, then another pub, no familiar face in
our glance. Then we go the party hold near Ilhom's flat
held by one of his classmates. It's really crowded that house, I
knew some new girls and found some kisses. Then Ilhom met two
special old friend, one might be Russian, another French. Joined
with a roommate, we went to the Student Union together again at
1am, where there are crowded too. We found another four funny
guys, one American, one Russian guy, one sexy Russian girl and
another attractive from a lovely small country in the east of
Europe beside Russian. All of us went back to Ilhom's dining
room together, kept chatting until 4am. The last four guys went
back, which made Ilhom's fancy dream with the mature Russian
girl gone by the board. Others remain, the Russian Guitar Genius
played good songs, we bore the sleeplessness until 9 o'clock in
I walked back, slept, waked, gave a phone call to my parents,
found my international telephone card had expired while about 10
pounds inside.. I
really felt very hungry then, and went downstairs, and then, my
old Russian room mate came to check if I had been dead, while
missing the meeting in the Union last night and absent in the
Judo class this afternoon!..